


my princess, my beauty

by pearltiare



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Afterglow, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Dysmorphia, Could potentially be triggering, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Mental Health Issues, Self Confidence, Self Confidence Issues, all lowercase, dysmorphic himari, i have body dysmorphia and this is based on my experience ok ? ok, since it talks about body image, space between punctuation, talk of dieting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27020308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearltiare/pseuds/pearltiare
Summary: himari has been struggling with body dysmorphia for a few years now, and she's almost given up on figuring out some way, any way to become more confident. her girlfriend, tomoe, reminds her though, that no matter what himari sees in the mirror, she's absolutely stunning.
Relationships: Udagawa Tomoe/Uehara Himari
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	my princess, my beauty

**Author's Note:**

> i headcanon himari as having dysmorphia mostly because i kin her and i have it as well.... anyways i hope you'll enjoy !! we need more tomohima in the world <3
> 
> ALSO. i am not saying that any of the features that himari thinks she may have or bad, or that she does have them. part of body dysmorphia is having a very, very warped self-image, so some of the 'flaws' people think they may have aren't there. it's just another symptom. as the tags say, i'm writing this based on my own experience.

_it was in junior high that himari uehara discovered the term body dysmorphia, and what it meant. at first, she was in denial. she didn't want to seem like she had a disorder, not that there was anything wrong with that- but how would others treat her if they found out ? it had to be normal teenage girl insecurity. she knew that it was common for girls, especially girls her age to not be happy with the way they looked, but by the time they were out of school, they'd usually grow out of it. himari was hoping, praying that would be the case for her. sure, she matched the majority of symptoms of dysmorphia, such as obsessing over flaws that may not even be there, having 'safe' clothes, trying out diets only to drop them, constantly checking her measurements and weight, etc. despite all of those symptoms matching up, she didn't want to admit to anyone, especially herself that this was a possibility._

_so she saw a doctor, with the most secrecy she possibly could. doctors' offices were never exciting, but this time she was more nervous than she thought she'd be. the thought of talking to a doctor about her struggles, and possibly receiving a diagnosis was nothing short of terrifying for himari. she checked in at the front desk, sat down tapping her foot anxiously until the doctor called her back._

_"uehara himari ?"_

_she lifted her head up to look at the doctor, then got up to her feet. he began leading her back to one of the offices, passing quite a few other offices on the way. when they arrived, the doctor told himari that she was welcome to sit down, so she did just that. it was a blue velvet single armchair, and although it wasn't the best, it was comfortable, at the least. he began asking some basic questions- the safety drill, you may call it. such as if she feels safe, if she's safe at home, if she's had any injuries and/or hospitalizations since her last visit with a doctor, things like that. she told him that this was her first time going to a psychologist, and then came even more questions. being a new patient meant writing up new medical records, notes to pass on to other doctors, himari really didn't understand any of the terms being thrown at her, but she went with it regardless._

_when she brought up that she thought she may have body dysmorphia, the doctor pulled out a sheet of paper and a clipboard for her to fill out. upon reading the title, it was a test of sorts to see if she met the criteria for dysmorphia. she would fill in bubbles, rank her symptoms from 1-10 in severity, and write comments about how or why they affected her daily life. this was tough.. but if it got her some answers. himari figured it would be worth it, at the very least. it took no longer than fifteen minutes to fill out the sheet, and when she handed it back to the doctor, he looked over it then put it down. he proceeded to ask her some questions about lesser-known symptoms, ones that not as many people know about, but are still just as common among people with dysmorphia. it scared himari when she realized that she had a majority of those symptoms as well, but not as much as when he put down the sheet of paper she filled out, talked with another doctor, and came to a conclusion._

_she did, in fact, have body dysmorphia._

_she was put on a small dose of medication to help her, her doctor said it wasn't a mild case, but not too severe either, so a small dose paired with weekly therapy should be enough to keep her on her feet. the aftermath of the diagnosis was one of the most difficult periods that himari had gone through in her life, she didn't dare speak a word of it to anyone. not ran, not moca, not tsugumi, not even tomoe. she wouldn't even let the words 'hey, i saw a psychologist' leave her lips. of course, the girl was all for mental health positivity, she always had been, but she had never really thought about applying that same positivity to her own life. nobody knew, and it would stay that way._

_♡_

it was coming closer and closer to afterglow's next live, where they would debut their new single 'one of us.' everyone was absolutely stoked, especially himari, the leader of afterglow. even after making music together for a good while, it still felt weird to the bassist to call herself the leader. in this time, afterglow had gained a loyal following, a real presence in tokyo, and their members had gone through so much growth.

it may not be obvious for some of the girls, but ran had definitely come out of her shell, even if it was just a little. she stood up for herself, and for her band mates to her father to continue living her dream. moca hadn't gone through too much change, to be frank, but she did become better at committing to things and keeping her heart in one place. moca was still a free spirit, though, through and through. tsugumi had found a sense of belonging, a permanent one, and had let herself go wild whilst with her childhood friends. tomoe, himari's girlfriend had redirected much of her emotions into playing her drums. she had made an amazing representation for herself- and it went without saying that she was proud of herself.

as for himari... she wasn't too sure. sure, she was afterglow's leader, and she had already gotten past her time of feeling as if she wasn't as good or serious enough of a leader. it was made clear by her friends that she was an amazing leader, and exactly the right person for the job. she knew now that she was doing the best she could as both a leader and bassist, but she couldn't figure out exactly how else she had grown in her personal life.. and she wasn't sure she would.

♡

it was nine o'clock at night. himari was changing into her pajamas after just having gotten out of the shower, tomoe was waiting in her bedroom, and she was doing everything she could to avoid the mirror. _avoid, avoid, avoid. don't look_. when she was finished changing, she felt a sense of relief, as she normally did. the pajamas were rather baggy, hiding her body for the most part. she wished she could hide her face like that, but she knew that she couldn't just wear a full-faced mask everywhere every day. but no matter how many times she told herself she absolutely had to avoid the bathroom mirror at all costs, she always felt herself being pulled towards it. just a peek wouldn't help, right ?

wrong.

like a slap in the face, it began setting in just how... awful himari looked. to anyone else, himari was one of the most beautiful girls they'd ever seen, and they'd be sure to tell her that. but to himari, she was ugly, she was undesirable, she was hideous. she began feeling at her cheeks, leaning in closer to the mirror. although small, she had slight red spots and blackheads on her cheeks and nose, she noticed how... asymmetrical her face looked. her jaw wasn't nearly as sharp as she'd like it to be, her eyelashes seemed so much shorter than everyone else's... and her body, her body was the most hard for her to look at. himari could never seem to lose those few pounds she wanted to so desperately, although she was constantly told that she didn't need to lose any weight. she wished she had longer, slimmer legs, she wished that her waist were smaller. she wished, she wished, she wished-

"himari, what's wrong ?"

she heard the door open, and saw her girlfriend in the doorway, a worried expression on her face. oh god, himari hadn't even realized she was crying, and loud enough for tomoe to hear, at that. the taller girl rushed over to her side and placed her hands on her shoulder gently, asking,

"what's happened ? are you okay ?"

himari just smiled and nodded. she couldn't say anything, himari wasn't the type to lie, so she figured she'd keep her mouth shut and hope that her girlfriend would leave it at that. but of course, this was tomoe, there wasn't a chance that she would do that.

"himari, i swear to you, i'm here to listen if something's wrong. do i need to beat someone up ?"

tomoe asked in a stern tone. the smaller girl sniffled and shook her head no, then turned around to go back to her bedroom and sit down on her bed. she felt backed into a corner now, she had kept her secret so _well_ these past few years, and although there wasn't any pressure coming from tomoe, she still felt like she was just going to explode. she didn't want tomoe to know, she didn't want anyone to know, but himari knew that keeping secrets from girlfriends wasn't a good thing to do. it was only fair to tell her, who knows, maybe tomoe would be accepting ? but himari wouldn't get her hopes up.

tomoe sat down next to the bassist, and turned her knees towards her. she placed a hand on her knee, and asked in a worried tone,

"is everything okay ? what happened ?"

himari took a deep breath in, and hoped that the gods would bless her with an accepting, understanding tomoe. it's not that she doubted her, but she doubted everyone when it came to this topic.

"i.. um.. promise not to judge ?"

"himari, you know i wouldn't judge."

tomoe reassured her, and himari squeezed her eyes shut in preparation for what she was about to say.

"i have body dysmorphia."

"pardon ?"

"body dysmorphia.. it's like.. teenage insecurity, i guess, but make it obsessive. i've known since seventh grade, but i've kept it a secret from everyone except for my parents... people might laugh at me for it."

tomoe shook her head, and urged himari to continue.

"i won't laugh. but i don't know exactly what it is so... would you mind explaining ?"

"i.. it's kinda hard to explain, you know ? but i guess like... i stand in the mirror a lot and sorta pick myself apart, and i've never liked my body. i turn the mirrors around a lot, and sometimes i have to stay away from certain clothes- i mean i don't have to, but i feel like i have to, you know ? like, some of the afterglow costumes make me feel really insecure, but i just.. have to push through. sometimes i cry and have panic attacks over how i look on bad days, or i won't leave the house because i think i don't look presentable enough for anyone to see me.. even you.."

himari explained slowly, in a bit of a hushed tone, and tomoe was intently listening. her eyes were wide, and himari feared that she was angry, that she should've just told her as soon as she got the diagnosis and medications.

"himari... why didn't you tell me ?"

"i don't know.. i.. was embarrassed i guess."

tomoe sighed, and opted to shift the subject a little,

"well, what are some things that you don't like about yourself ?"

"uh.. my waist, my blemishes, my weight, my legs, my jaw, a lot.."

tomoe grabbed both of himari's hands and made sure she was looking at her, making eye contact with her.

"himari, i know this may not mean much, since it sounds like it's something really really tough to deal with, but i mean it when i say you are the most beautiful, stunning girl i have ever seen. everything you just said you don't like is perfect to me. so what if you don't have super long legs or completely clear skin ? stuff is photoshopped, edited, touched up. nobody looks exactly like the supermodels, and that's okay. you look like himari, and himari is breathtaking. she looks like an angel."

tomoe said all of this in a serious, but sweet tone, and himari at this point was trying to hold back tears. hearing that, especially from the girl she loved the most meant more than she could possibly describe.

"tomoe.. you mean that ?"

she asked in a whisper. the redhead nodded, and himari felt tears begin spilling, trickling down her cheeks. she wasn't as loud as she was earlier, but she didn't realize how much weight had been lifted off her chest by telling tomoe until now. she lunged forward and embraced her taller girlfriend, dampening her shirt in the process. tomoe rubbed her back and held the back of her head lovingly, as himari continued to let out all those years of keeping this to herself.

"tomoeeeeee, you're really too kind ! i don't deserve you !"

tomoe chuckled, and responded,

"oh, hush. you deserve the whole world."

she leaned down to lift up the bassist's face, then pressed gentle kisses to her forehead, cheeks, nose, temple, and finally lips. himari and tomoe had kissed several times before, but for some reason this one felt so special. they stayed in that embrace for a few seconds, before the drummer pulled away and said,

"look at you. you're so pretty."

himari gave a small smile, looking into her girlfriend's eyes and not daring to look away.

"my princess, my beauty."


End file.
